Monday, July 19, 2010

Mama's got a squeezebox

Oops - that's The Who's S-word, not mine - I meant, Mama's got a SIXPACK.  And no, I don't mean Negra Modelo either - I mean abs!  Gut muscles! 

I didn't notice this until Lawrence let out a surprised yodel about it last night.  There, for the first time in my life, in the midst of that thoracic real estate which is happily headed for the half-century mark, and in defiance of the the vestigial volume imparted by underlying bio-hotel room formerly occupied by my then-larval daughter, there are dimples.  Chiseled surfaces.  A discrete valley down the middle. 

I caught this washboard off our livingroom floor like a delightful disease while watching my idol Morgan Freeman (a Mississippian who shares some of my views on racism) narrate the space physics documentary series that he himself executively-produced.   My brain doesn't like to do discrete tasks - I feel like I'm wasting my time unless I am accomplishing at least two objectives at any given moment.   So now that our house is set up and I'm spending less time on prep-work, I have increased the floor exercises that I do while trying to learn more about quantum mechanics and other docu-subjects.  

I have a strong preference for Callanetics.  Twenty seconds into this one-minute video clip below, you can see a time-lapse series which tells the story: "this is your ass... this is your ass on Callanetics... any questions?!"

Nineteen hours produced those results - even if a TV presentation of string theory is not your thing theory, that represents only about a half-season's worth of Law and Order!  As Ms. Callan calmly states, "You don't need plastic surgery to make these improvements."  No, Americans just need to move two feet off the couch to the floor in front of the TV and make a little effort.  Ass, abs, whatever - it's all right there immediately available to whoever wants it, like so many other things here in the Land of Opportunity. 

Of course, if you'd prefer to go the plastic route instead, you COULD pay up to $10,000 for a Brazilian butt lift.  Do the math: you'd save yourself the equivalent of up to $526 per hour just by doing leg lifts in front of your favorite telly shows.  But proving that there's every bit as much stupidity in this country as there is opportunity, Americans spent $14 billion on cosmetic surgery in 2007

I'm glad I've now got these abs, because I'm going to need an increasingly strong stomach just to handle the continued sight of our bizarre cultural priorities. 

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